Being a doctor is a lot like being hit by a bus. Sometimes you get up, dust yourself off and keep going. But other times, you become a contrived plot device. In the end, you realize you’ve been driving the bus the whole time, the same bus that hits you. Because you’re a doctor and that’s what doctors do.
Straight up, watching Grey’s Anatomy for the past two seasons has been rough. Even despite the addition of that guy that Sarah drools over from Journeyman to the cast as a psychotic war vet love interest for Cristina and contriving to make Meredith and Derek a non-dark, non-twisty couple, we still had some questionable medical stuff like the whole Izzy cancer thing (which came with bonus hallucinations of Denny, proving that Shonda Rhimes’ real talent is not writing or showrunning but contriving reasons for Jeffrey Dean Morgan to appear; I’m waiting for a Denny episode of Private Practice*) and, well, Cristina’s new boyfriend being a crazed war vet. Oh, and George gets hit by a bus and dies.**
How do I still manage to get through it each week? Alcohol. But if I just sat there with an open bottle and no structure, well, I’d be blind by now. And that’s why I, after careful research, have constructed the Grey’s Anatomy Drinking ‘Game’.
Drink when:
George’s death is juxtaposed with completely mundane tasks like putting things in a locker or answering a pager. (This only works for season 6 onward; in previous seasons replace with (1-3) George being harangued by family members or (4-5) George being awkward around Izzy)
Izzy does something irrational, like murders her fiance or cuts all of her hair off or mysteriously vanishes
Bailey sasses someone
Alex yells at Izzy (obviously as a sign that he loves her, of course)
Someone says “dark and twisty”
Someone says “you’re my person” or some variant thereof
A song by The Fray or a band that sounds interchangeable with The Fray plays
Arizona describes herself as “awesome” (I can’t take credit for this one but I will shamelessly steal it I have been informed that citing something as not belonging to me is not the same as giving proper credit; thank you for the suggestion, Ace.)
Arizona has an impassioned speech about respecting the viewpoints of others
(In pre-Arizona eps, drink when Erica Hahn is bitchy to another series regular)
Lexi tells Sloan that she can handle something that she clearly can’t handle
The Chief broods (I did not include “Meredith broods” because I don’t want deaths on my hands, just to foster a slow descent into alcoholism)
A conversation consists of 2 or more consecutive utterances of the word “Hey”
Yang says “cardio god”
Someone cries
A non-Lexi intern has dialogue
A patient dies because of physician negligence stemming from relationship issues
Chug during:
Conversations in elevators
Meredith’s opening monologue
Meredith’s ending monologue
*No I’m not; that would imply I watch that catastrophe.
**Obligatory “I’ma let you finish George, but Keanu Reeves in The Lake House had the most touching off-screen traffic-related death of all time. Of all time. Shrug. Walk away.”
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This reminds me, I need to write down the “Man vs. Wild” drinking game that’s been kicking around in my head.