UGC Week – Gerard

It’s User-Generated Content Week – a week where I do nothing but post about the stuff YOU asked for.

Today’s topic comes from C: “Critique all your Gerard-given nicknames”

Once, my girlfriend convinced her friend Gerard that my name was Fernando. He believed this for twenty minutes, believed it, I am told, with an almost white-hot intensity. This is further proof that the glue that binds C and I together is our shared love of exploiting the gullible. Convincing her friends that my name is not actually my name is a subset of that, which has led to me being referred to as “Steiner” in the comments here at least once.

Since then, Gerard has continued to call me by a string of improbable names. Because there are moments where my life plays like a bad comedy, I am never sure if Gerard doesn’t know my name or whether he’s simply playing along. The cynic in me believes it is the latter, but the dreamer in me longs for the former.

As requested, here is a critique of each of my Gerard-given nicknames to date.

Fernando: This is my favorite, because there is an Abba song named “Fernando” and I believe it is one of the better Abba songs. There was, indeed, something in the air that night.

Alonso: I like Alonso because it is usually a last name, and last names as first names are typically rad, even moreso if there is a hyphen. Alonso loses points for not being hyphenated, sadly, but gains them for being the name of Don Quixote’s father: Cervantes like whoa.

Alfonso: Corruption of Alonso, various kings of Portugal. Scores points for making me think, via the Portuguese king association (Portuguese King Association is an awesome band name) of Portugal. The Man, which is a band that I think is okay:

Reginald: While Reginald is certainly classy, I have to dock it a bit for not following the Latin-influenced theme that Gerard had been establishing up til this point. Still, lots of notable Reginalds – the president of Nintendo of America, Saints player Reggie Bush, Elton John and, of course, Reginald VelJohnson, which is oddly prescient as a name choice because I do plan on naming my firstborn, regardless of gender, VelJohnson.

Jeff: Gerard has never, to my knowledge, called me this.

Iacopo: Gerard hasn’t actually called me this yet, as far as I’m aware, but I’m kind of lobbying for it here because I think it’s a pretty cool name. Like, if you’re this brash young swordsman looking for revenge but not skilled enough to best the whatever-fingered man that killed your father/wife/lover/son, you might get sent to see “crazy old Iacopo up in the Jundland Mountains,” and he would be, of course, awesome.

EDIT! Rodriguez: How could I forget Rodriguez?  Rodriguez makes me feel like I’m the loose cannon in a buddy cop film, like a gruff captain might shot “Rodriguez!” right before demanding my badge and chastising me for blowing up twenty cars, two houses and an orbital satellite to collar a drug dealer.

Which of these ridiculous names for me is your favorite, active and engaged commenters?

TOMORROW: UGC Week rolls on! What topic will I tackle next!?

Tagged as: Existential Angst, Gerard, Random, UGC Week