Longtime readers know that one of my guilty pleasures is the paranormal subculture – not ghosts and demons themselves, but the people that are completely convinced that they are real things that they can interact with and/or the people who live in that world solely to exploit the belief of the others. I’ve written about my experiences with ghost hunters before, even.
Lately, I’ve taken to watching a lot of Ghost Adventures, which is far and away the most laughable show of its kind that has somehow been on the air for like five seasons. The deadly earnestness of the Paranormal State kids is endearing and they seem to know what they’re talking about, even if they are a bit too overdramatic (and the lead investigator does have a tendency to Schuester* a whole bunch of the cases they tackle), and the Ghost Hunters, as made-for-tv as they are purported to be, at least have an air of semi-professionalism about them.
The basic premise of Ghost Adventures, though it may attempt to tell you otherwise, is ‘what would happen if you put a bunch of douchebags who probably love getting bottle service in a haunted house and encouraged them to overact?’ The lead ‘investigator’, Zak, claims to have been possessed at least three times during the course of filming the show. At that point, if you have not just said ‘you know what? Forget this,’ you are either a bullshit artist or a lunatic. And Zak doesn’t look smart enough to be a lunatic.
All I know is that getting paid to stand in a dark room and yell at people who aren’t there sounds like a sweet gig. And I want in on it. So I’m preparing a few paranormal reality TV pitches for various cable channels who I am sure would love to give me a giant check like you see when someone gets a donation or whatever. Or a regular sized check; just give me my ghost money, people. One of these is bound to be television gold:
1. Ghost Remodelers – Three guys, a case of beer, some ghost hunting gear, a bunch of tools and a haunted house**. Locked in overnight, we’ll remodel a room while we look for evidence of the supernatural.
2. The Paranormal Pick-Up Artist - Half medium. Half gigolo. All man. Ghosts need love too.
3. Ghost Kittens – No gear, no science, no investigations. Just a dozen kittens turned loose in a haunted location overnight. They are adorable and probably a little hyper…and ready to encounter the unknown!
4. 800 Pound Ghosts – Because Discovery Health really can’t help itself when it comes to shows about morbidly obese people.
5. Haunted Poker – Five ghosts. One game of high stakes poker. Millions of dollars. Guaranteed to be much less irritating than watching real people play poker.
What would your dream hour of paranormal programming be like?
*Schuester, v. – To insert oneself into another person’s drama and attempt to suborn said drama to their own ends.
** A Bunch of Tools and a Haunted House is a great name for one of these shows. That’s free for you to use.