Jefferson Stolarship » LOST

5 Implausible Endings For LOST

Jeff — Mon, 24 May 2010 17:13:03 +0000

1. Everything, and everyone, explodes. (This one is my favorite)

2. With a shooter on the loose and the island in lockdown, all of the castaways are faced with the toughest crisis of their lives.

3. Sawyer and Miles evaluate life-changing career opportunities that will sunder their partnership and signal the end of an era on the island.

4. Bobby Ewing steps out of the Glowy Light Cave.

5. Ends with all surviving characters drinking lemonade and playing whist on the beach.

Lost 6.5: “The Lighthouse”

Jeff — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 19:15:31 +0000

You know what I love about a good Jack-centric episode of LOST?

“Is it that you hate Jack so much that you revel in any opportunity to see him damage his own life and the lives of others, especially when he and his myriad dysfunctions are the prime focus?”

Yes, Imaginary Reader I’m Having A Fake Conversation With. You got it in one.

Last night’s episode proved to be no exception. Spoilers Follow.

With each progressive episode, we’re learning more shocking things about how divergent the parallel storylines are. For instance, Jack is a father with a teenage son (apparently not, interestingly enough, with Sarah, who Jack didn’t even meet until 2001) who seems to have the same skittish and distant relationship with him that Jack does with his own father. Margo alludes that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree when she rebuffs Jack for balking at the prospect of his son David being afraid of him. She also says, “Good for you,” when Jack turns down a drink, which might indicate that it’s Jack and not his father that’s a candidate for AA in this timeline (though Jack’s drinking has always been evident in flashbacks, it’s not really until he returns from the island in 2004 that it starts to spiral out of control). Once again, we see a scene with Jack discovering an injury he didn’t know he had – this time, an appendectomy scar.

Meanwhile, on the island, Jack reacts to the events of the past few episodes much like you’d expect – he pouts and is sullen and withdrawn. He gets needled into following Hurley to the lighthouse by being reminded of his daddy issues – fitting, since this is very much an episode about parent-child relationships – and then proceeds to unsuccessfully try to reconcile with Kate, who is herself in a serious sulk because of her rejection by Sawyer. Because when confronted with the secrets of a magical island and the danger of an unknowable supernatural monster threat, the only sensible thing to do is try to work out your relationship problems. Then again, this is the guy who thought that he could fix things with his ex by detonating a hydrogen bomb. And they gave him a fucking medical degree. He’s a spinal surgeon. This makes me mistrust doctors 100% more than actually working with and around doctors ever has.

Then Hurley takes Jack to a lighthouse and Jack proceeds to smash all of the mirrors in the lighthouse – which were apparently magic - with an antique telescope – which wasn’t magic – while having one of his trademark Jack-entitlement tantrums. Thanks for smashing the magic fucking mirror, Jack. That wasn’t ever going to be useful. At this point, if I were the writers of LOST, I’d come really close to explaining things about the island and then have Jack swoop in and ruin it right at the last second.

“Oh. The giant four-toed crocodile statue? That’s here because -”
*STAB*
“WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE!”

Oh, and because Jack’s crazitude is apparently genetic, his kid sister murders someone with an ax. Go team.

I love this show.

LOST

Jeff — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 18:27:05 +0000

So LOST is back, and I’m pretty excited for the final season. My pal Aaron is even more excited than I am, which is why we had this conversation about the show earlier today, which is based on my seeing about 30 minutes of the season premiere. Light spoilers for those 30 minutes follow.

Jeff: Man, that whole plane sequence just confirms that Jack is really great at messing up other peoples’ lives.

Jeff’s Friend Aaron: Oh hell yes! He’s a disease.

Jeff: I am shocked that Sawyer didn’t just murder him when he came up out of that pit.

Aaron: He did the “Sawyer Stare.” I mean, Jack’s heart should have just stopped. It was The Stare, with a slight shake, too.

Jeff: And of course, Kate is immediately like ‘Hey Sawyer, let’s go make out!’

Aaron: So true! I hate Kate so much sometimes. She has to make everything all about her.

Jeff: Man, Jack, you tried to blow up a hydrogen bomb for the sole purpose of getting back together with a girl who tries to mack on a guy whose girlfriend literally just died in his arms like a half hour ago. Slow clap.

Aaron: Man, you need to watch the second hour and then we’ll talk.

Jeff: Do you find out what’s in Hurley’s guitar case?

Aaron: Yes.

Jeff: Is it a guitar?

Aaron: No. It’s a case full of guns.

Jeff: Wait, seriously? How would Hurley get a case full of guns through airport security?

Aaron: They don’t address it. But dude, Antonio Banderas runs out of the jungle and kills everybody!

Jeff: Best. Show. Ever. “Sorry, El Mariachi, looks like you just got… LOST.”

Aaron: Yes!

Jeff: *announcer voice* Antonio Banderas joins the final season of LOST, only on ABC.

Aaron: DESTINY FOUND

Jeff: Does that make Claire’s baby DESTINY’S CHILD?

Aaron: I’d feel safe saying that.

Jeff: How does he feel about Beyonce leaving him for Jay-Z?

Lost Predictions

Jeff — Wed, 13 May 2009 19:23:26 +0000

Since the season finale is only few hours away, I’ve invented a list of 20 implausible ‘predictions’ for what will happen on the incomprehensibly-plotted ABC thriller.

#1. Jack is Locke

#2. Smoke Monster will appear on Dancing With the Stars

#3. Rocks Fall, Everybody Dies

#4. Boone is resurrected

#5. Desmond is killed to circumvent legal issues

#6. Ben is Locke

#7. Ben is Richard

#8. The Island was created by Dexter Stratton

#9. Ezra James Sharkington Vs. Polar Bear for the fate of the world

#10. Juliet snaps and murders everybody the next time she hears the word ‘Freckles’

#11. Locke has actually been a Doll the entire time

#12. Egyptian symbology/four-toed statue actually explained

#13. JIn and Sun fuse into one being, doubling their power level

#14. Neil Frogurt and Dr. Arzdt are revealed to be alive

#15. The first letter of every sentence in the script spells out the URL of a website that launches the next off-season ARG

#16. Kate eaten by dinosaurs

#17. That one Russian guy comes back

#18. Sawyer lets Phil live

#19. Mirror Universe Jack appears; has handlebar mustache, is actually a pretty okay guy

#20. New hatch discovered; William Shatner inside